There’s a moment each night where we all have choices to make. How will I finish today? I wish I could say I was a great finisher. This, I fear, is general as well. Let me explain.
I feel like I don’t complete things well. I’ve started countless books, never to read past a few pages or chapters. I’ve started writing stories or novels or screenplays that never pan out. I get into relationships and watch them crumble. It’s a wonder anything gets done. Moreover, I make bad decisions at the end of my days. I give into whatever overwhelming emotion is carrying the evening and run with it. Sometimes this is okay; other times, not so much. The baser desires win out. I feel like a failure and like I’m letting God down.
Yet, while I know He isn’t condemning me (“there is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”), I still feel the lowest moments most powerfully. I wish I felt the highs, or even my whole life, the same way.
Look, I know this feels cryptic and distant. Partially I’m attempting to create a situation where those who see this can delve deeper if they so choose. My pride keeps pushing me to fall. I don’t want that anymore. I want fulfillment and joy, so I can receive what He has for me. So I can do all He has for me. This is my true place.